Paralyzing Despair

Paralyzing Despair

How often do I awake into a pit (cyclone) of paralyzing despair?

Only to find out 25 minutes later that I was completely manipulated by my own insidious and deceptive thoughts.

Just right around about the time that I have finished splashing some cold water on my face and brushing my teeth I am pleasantly reminded that life isn’t so bad.

And that I have just been once again bamboozled by my own default mental and emotional daily starting point…

This phenomenon occurs on such a regular basis that it is necessary to recognize and  conclude these feelings are a mere fact of my morning.

As common as the darkness of night or the icy gust of a crisp winter morning 

My thoughts should not depict my ability to push through and will myself into action.

What is Paralyzing Despair?

All I can say is that I wake up from my morning slumber or afternoon naps and often feel this sense of darkness, an emptiness that grabs me from deep inside my core and tells me nothing is ok. It's that feeling as though the rain clouds are following you overhead and nothing can be well for the day. This emotional sensation doesn’t usually last for very long, perhaps 15 minutes or so, as long as I am willing to banish the thoughts and get moving on with my daily activities.

The question remains…How often do I wake up with my first thoughts and feelings being something along the lines of paralyzing despair?

The answer is often enough that I feel compelled to write about it. It took quite some time for me to realize on my journey in sobriety that I still wake up with thoughts swirling around in a shit storm of deceptive emotions.  As if for those first 5 to 20 minutes after I wake up there is nothing that could possibly be good in the world. All that being said is why it is so important to recognize that I no longer experience any of those deceptive emotions once I get up and get moving towards my daily routines and rituals. At some point they just wash away and I can feel the sunshine again.

 With an almost laughable imagery, I find myself looking into the mirror at myself like a scene with Joaquin Phoenix in his role as the Joker, laughing directly at myself for the lie filled thoughts I experienced merely minutes ago.

I wonder how many other people can relate to this… am I one of few? Does that make me special or does that simply make me a crazy person? I know what you are thinking…if you're laughing at yourself in the mirror like the Joker then you are definitely a crazy person…But this is just the kind of experience I love to divulge and discuss with as many people as possible, because even the people who seem to have their shit together will meet you with some level of reciprocated vulnerability if they have the slightest willingness to be honest about the way they feel on some of the days.

We often wear masks to hide what we're really going through on the inside because it’s simply just easier than being vulnerable, but nobody has it good all the time.

What's the old adage? You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

So for anyone out there who is struggling with their morning thoughts upon waking up… remember that you are not alone. Our thoughts and feelings are lying to us many times throughout the day. Stick to that new habit and or build up that new ritual and keep at it. If anything is worth trying it would be anything that has the possibility of helping us feel better and continue growth. I heard this quote the other day from the writer/author Lionel Page.

He said, when it comes to humans and the way we’re biologically designed…

“You are not meant to be happy in life,

You were designed to try as hard as possible”

So whatever you do, keep trying.

Make it a great day,

With love and sincere reflection of the heart,

-Anson